The Shadow of the Scourge and The Holy Terror

Hey kids! Did you miss us? We missed you. Today we're at TBH with our new member, Raul, as we give you this pre-Gallifrey 2010 edition of the Time Team. Say "hello, Raul.

Raul: Hello

Isn't he great, ladies? Naturally he enjoys Doctor Who along with roller derby and rockabilly. And he runs a theater

After a primer on Benny, New Adventures, and Post 1988 Ace we start us The Shadow of the Scourge by Paul Cornell. It opens with the beginning of a seance and Annie asking the aliens to come as she and the others bring peace.

Me: And moist towelettes.

We all get a good laugh as Annie bitches to Brian Hughes about copyright infringement of quack psychic characters.

The Doctor arrives with Ace and Professor Bernice Summerfield in tow and as usual there's a body count whenever he shows up. And "wise old biddies" based on Summerfield's lip reading skils. We get a side trip with Hughes showing up at another convention happening in the hotel before returning back to Doctor Who: CSI. The triple booking at the hotel of cross stitchers, extra terrestrial channelers, and time experimenters is apparently bad for the universe and our gang splits up.

It doesn't take long for Bernice to make herself known to main range Who fans as she infiltrates the extra terrestial channelers and gets them to speak to her dead turtles. Meanwhile Ace is getting herself kicked out of the time experiment room and then getting close with the cross stitchers talking about the dead dude on the elevator. Back to Bernice talking to Mary and then Annie. Annie's in the back trying to keep her guts from spilling.

Me: Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?

Hughes is locking the joint up and setting the time experiment machine while Annie is legitimately making contact with the other world. We get title as the Scourge start showing up. Our first cliffhanger of the day leaves us with the Doctor seemingly handing over Earth to the Scourge.

Tim: For some reason this reminds me City of Death and The Invasion of Time where it's funny and the Doctor is handing stuff over and you've no clue what's really going on.

"That is really...icky!" might be the best line in the any of the audios Big Finish has done up to this point in the timeline of the main range.

Tim: Paul, if you're reading this you are a brilliant, brilliant man.

Which is then followed by the worse line as Bernice does a pun based on Pembroke saying "what" three times. Cross stitchers try to be all heroic and fail miserably. Bernice says "goddess" as the Scourge Demi-Leader makes one strangle himself.

Me: Drink.

The Doctor blames his connecting up with the Scourge on to much cheese before bed time.

Me: Dude, I eat a bunch of cheese before bed but I've never met the Scourge in my dreams.

Ace proves that her acting skills are not the best as the Doctor proves that he didn't fall for her charade of thinking he really gave the Earth to the Scourge. Ace and Bernice go off to make tea for Pembroke and Greg, Cross Stitch Boy and discover that there's only darkness outside the hotel.

Me: So that's where the band went.

Ace rags on Radiohead as the Doctor says the Scourge prey on the depression and sadness of the masses.

Raul: Wow.

Tim: I like Radiohead, but yeah, she's right.

The Doctor describes people falling for the Scourge as a rabbit stops in the headlights of an oncoming car.

Me: Which is a song by Unkle sung by Thom Yorke from Radiohead.

The Doctor gets out tricked by the Scourge as they figure out his games and trump him. He starts transforming as the Scourge Demi-Leader talks about how cool he is for outwitting the Doctor. Part Two ends with the Doctor begging for Benny and Ace to help him as he starts to change.

Tim: Bummer.

Me: So, Raul, now that you're halfway through your first audio what do you think?

Raul: I want to listen to more. I'm really enjoying myself. You can tell they're having fun and doing it for the love of the show. Like any new medium it takes a little getting used to but I'm having fun.

Tim: You missed some really bad ones.

Me: Oh don't worry. There are more bad ones to come.

Tim: I thought I was going to slit my wrists after I think Phantasmagoria.

Me: Actually I think it was The Sirens of Time.

Tim: Oh yeah. I wanted to stop after that one.

But we didn't and after refreshing ourselves with Shiner Bock and Oreo's we continue. The inevitable chess reference comes from Ace as she talks about how the Scourge have outmaneuvered the Doctor. Bernice says "goddess" again.

Me: Drink!

Ace talks Gary in to fucking up her ear drums. The last thing she hears is Bernice uttering another "goddess".

Me: Drink!

Bernice has a plan that's slightly more involved than Ace's of deafening herself and madcap hilarity ensue as they try to communicate with Ace. We go back to the Scourge.

Tim: Are they in the lobby with the music?

The Doctor proves he still has a trick or two up his sleeve as we learn he's shut himself down to keep the Scourge in him from popping out. As he quotes Shakespeare in his mind Bernice and the gang are dragging him across the hotel floor. We get another "goddess" as they run in to a Scourge.

Me: Drink. Jesus, was Paul trying to hit a "goddess" quota?

They find the Scourge Formerly Known as Annie and bring the Annie portion back to the front.

Me: Are they attacking a cappuccino machine?

Annie allows the Doctor to speak long enough for to tell Ace to find the TARDIS and Bernice to come inside the Doctor's head. Bernice uses Annie to get inside his noggin and apparently he's gotten a bit of an interior decorator to provide seating for situations like this. They see his Jungian archetypes who only show up when bad shit is about to happen.

Tim: Or during an anniversary special.

Like other fan girls Bernice drools over the 8th Doctor which she sees waiting over the bridge to come over. The Doctor points out he'll transform into a Scourge if they don't win. Bernice has a go at him, bitching him out for possibly destroying her future. The Doctor reminds her that she's not helping him fight a species that feeds on doubt and fear. Bernice backtracks in between another "goddess".

Raul: One hell of a guilt trip.

Me: Drink.

Annie can't sense the Doctor's heartbeat.

Me: (Don Johnson) Heartbeat! I can hear your heartbeat!

Annie Scourge comes back and she makes Gary strangle himself as I reach for another Oreo. Ace and Pembroke finally reach the TARDIS where they encounter another Scourge who asks them to kneel.

Me: Before Zod!

Bernice's attempt to make the Doctor all warm and fuzzy fails as the third part ends with him seemingly succumbing to the Scourge in his mind. Tim and I do our best Bill Paxton impersonations as the Doctor proclaims over and over that the game is over. Ace and Pembroke fight two other Scourge and Ace bitches that Pembroke doesn't need to pull her head to see the second Scourge.

Me: Maybe he's did it because he's tired of your yelling and your shit acting.

Tim: Ouch.

Then my point is proven as Ace doesn't another bit of shit acting to get close enough to stab a Scourge. Benny wakes up in a hotel room, alone, and runs off to help the Doctor uttering another "goddess".

Me: Drink.

Ace tries to keep Pembroke from killing her by telling him she's seen loads of people die who didn't deserve it.

Me: Yet you're still here.

Tim: That describes fifty percent of the people who show up on the show. More if you take series finales into consideration. how many continents get shifted at the end of The Parting of the Ways?

The Doctor takes over Pembroke's mind and tells Ace where the key to the TARDIS is. He apparently set the nanites to focus on the control room and Ace realizes the Doctor thought they wouldn't make it through without harm.

Me: Um...that's pretty much how things went during your time in The New Adventures. Especially ones written by Kate Orman.

The Doctor makes everyone feel the Scourge and they kinda feel emo.

Bernice: Goddess

Me: Drink.

Ace and Bernice share a tender moment as Bernice stays to look after the Doctor.

Tim: (as Ace) I love you.

Me: Can I say that acting against Lisa Bowerman only accentuates that Sophie's not the best of actresses?

Tim: You could, but I've really enjoyed some of the comedy bits.

Me: Yeah, those have been good, but look at this past moment when Ace says it should be her looking after the Doctor.

Tim: I admit that could've been more powerful.

Bernice tells the Scourge who's playing Doctor Phil to stuff it as she takes another stab at bolstering the Doctor's self esteem. They try to think up a way to counteract the despair the Scourge are stirring up.

Tim: Let's have an orgasm!

She sorts out that it's happiness with people you love, hanging with loved ones and eating tea and scones because they are the best!

Tim: Yes! I'm having a teagasm!

Ace rallies the troops of cross stitchers, new agers, and technogeeks to attack the Scourge as The Doctor and Bernice show up. The Doctor turns fear back on the Scourge as he makes everyone else feel love, peace, and moist towelettes in a bit of reverse psychobabble. Cornell is able to work owls in as he convinces Brian that none of the killing was his fault.

Me: Drink for owls! And I guess that makes Brian like Andrea Yates.

Cue stock Big Finish Huzzah music as the day is saved and everyone returns to normal. The Doctor chastises Bernice for lusting after his 8th version.

Tim: (as Bernice) I just saw Paul McGann and thought he was hot.

Raul: Very Cool.

Tim: Certainly one of the better audios. Funny, couldn't see what it was going.

Raul: A lot of fun.

Me: It was fun to see Bernice in a supporting role as opposed to the lead one she normally plays. Bowerman slots right in to the notoriously close team of McCoy and Aldred and feels as if she's been there the entire time. Further proof that Paul should write for Bernice more often as it's always fun when he creator gets his hands back into the process.

We jump right in to The Holy Terror by Rob Shearman after laughing at the retard who thinks The Wolfman ripped off Twilight.

Tim: I hear that music and still expect Tom Baker to show up.

We learn how easy it is to keep yourself from being burned at the stake as Tacitus easily recants his heresy in following the wrong living god.

Tim: That's so Monty Python! I think I'm going to like this more than Jubilee which is saying a lot.

Macap hilarity continues as the old Queen is taken off to be killed in a manner determined by the new Queen who had been polishing the old Queen's toenails. Meanwhile Frobisher is trying to eat some gumblejack when the Sixth Doctor barges into his bath.

Tim: Don't get between Colin Baker and his gumblejack.

Frobisher has been messing with the TARDIS controls to make fake gumblejack.

Raul: What happens when I touch this button?

Apparently hunchbacks are meant to be evil as the Old Queen bitches at her hunchback son, Childeric, who she thinks isn't evil enough as he sucks up to her saying she's his evil idol.

Raul: With that music behind him it's like he's about to break into song.

The new living god is a bit of wuss as he's not producing any thoughts worthy of chronicling. Childeric shows back up and talks to High Priest Clovis.

Tim: Is that Paul Darrow?

Me: Nope.

Tim: He has that effeminate "oh I'm so evil" voice like Darrow.

Pepin gets coronated and fails miserably as a living god much to the consternation of his wife and his subjects. Just as Pepin is about to be put to death the TARDIS shows up on the scene providing the miracle in the form of Frobisher, ruining the plans of Childeric. Frobisher denies being a god.

All: When they ask you if you're a god you say yes!

Despite his best efforts to get killed Pepin survives as his subjects rejoice while his wife, Livilla, continues to bitch at him. Childric continues to plot against Pepin as Tacitus writes the Bible. Part one ends with an attempt on Pepin's life that oddly enough doesn't come from his wife. I take a picture of my super sweet new Booze Leprechaun chapeau made by Alison as Pepin survives the ritual assassination attempt and forgives his would be ritual assassin much to the consternation of Frobisher. Pepin still doesn't feel like a god.

Me: Maybe he feels like a woman.

Frobisher drools over Pepin's wife as she comes to bitch at him some more. Pepin and Frobisher go to the Blue Temple as The Doctor messes up Tacitus' room looking for an earlier bible. The passage from Pepin the Third's bath reads a bit like the beginning of a Penthouse story while the locals have transformed the TARDIS into the temple. Pepin tries to convince Frobisher that the TARDIS is indeed a temple and the console was an altar. Clovis shows up to Tacitus' house as Livilla tries to get mother-in-law to say that Childeric is the real heir. The locals are pissed that Pepin the Sixth died. Livilla shows she's a suckass Empress by failing to kick Berangaria's ass until she starts to beat her with a lead pipe.

Frobisher tries to convince Pepin to stop being such a pussy as Pepin wants to again tell his subjects he's not a god. Childeric tells the Doctor why he's doing what he's doing. Clovis admits no one in the church has believed in god in centuries.

Alison: Wow.

Pepin abdicates his throne to Frobsisher as the second part ends.

Me: You know what I just realized? We're halfway through a Colin Baker audio and we've only made one fat joke.

Childeric shows he's gone completely bonkers as he's tried to make a god from birth.

Me: As opposed to being the Freshmaker.

Tim: Mentos: The Reaper of Souls!

The subjects continue to worship Frobisher. He starts to mess with the social framework of the planet as he pardons Pepin and tries to make him the new High Priest.

Tim: It's good to be the king penguin.

Raul: Emperor penguin.

Frobisher manages to rework society within thirty minutes by implementing parliamentary elections and dodging live bullets during ritual assassinations. Childeric gets all pissed off and unleashes his hand made god to retrieve the throne. Apparently he's done a better job than even he expected as the child speaks. The child is super creepy as he transforms Livilla into an infant.

Me: I think we have title!

The Doctor and Tacitus escape the oncoming temper tantrum. Tacitus freaks out as he thinks he's killed the kid numerous times in the past. The Doctor goes back to stop the child and then we get a little intermission of Frobisher fixing his nose to save a sculptor from death. Meanwhile the Child God continues his killing spree before entering Childeric's mind. He tears Childeric apart.

Tim: What horror movie is this music from?

Raul: Sounds like Halloween.

God was apparently created by Tacitus. Or at least he sounds like Tacitus. Part four starts up and Tim has to leave us.

Tim: I guess I'll find out who created God later.

The Doctor pisses on the Child God's delusions of granduer telling him he's not a god but a source of torture. He hopes he's lived up to his father's expectations of killing and wondering if he's pleased his father so far.

Me: Only if your father is Saddam Hussien.

We shift back to the Ultimate Dysfunctional Family as Pepin and Bergania have a heart to heart over how much she hates him. Clovis begs the Doctor to explain why he wants to destroy the Emperor. The Doctor explains Clovis is just a stereotype and a sidekick to the real villian. Child God keeps killing people as he searches for his father and Tacitus is hiding in Frobisher's throne room. Child God shows up just as Pepin and Bergania become a real family and makes it go all pear shaped as he kills Pepin. Bergania finally comes round to the notion of free will before finally getting her wish for the sweet, sweet release of death. Tacitus goes bat shit as he finally breaks from being in prison and believes himself to be the emperor. The Doctor stops history from repeating itself as Tacitus wants to kill his son again. Instead Tacitus gets the child to kill him.

Raul: That was cool.

Me: Definitely not a warm and fuzzy ending. Probably the most depressing in the Big Finish line up to the point. It stands out more when put back to back with The Shadow of the Scourge and it's almost candy cane sweet ending.

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Hell Has Frozen Over...

...or I ended up in an alternate universe. Either way, the long awaited Bernice Summerfield: The Inside Story is being released.

http://www.bigfinish.com/news/Bernice-Summerfield--The-Inside-Story

Run, don't walk to your computers and your wallets to pre-order this tome the likes of which we'll probably never see again. And lookey at the bottom of the press release, you lucky people who pre-order will get your copies signed.

Check this space later this week for a possible update on the next Time Team installment.

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Another Benny Double Feature: The Poison Seas and Death and the Daleks

For the first time since before Thanksgiving we're all able to get together. Due to time constraints today's session turns into another Benny double feature. I promise, next month we'll get back to main Who line.

Beer is courtesy of the Shiner Family Reunion pack. One beer each from their main releases then one Kosmo's Reserve which Shiner hasn't brewed in nearly ten years. Named for their founder, Kosmo's Reserve is a hoppy affair that provides different tastes as it finishes. I'm enjoying it way more than the Commerator.

After a meal of sweet and sour pork with wonton soup for me we start up The Poison Seas.

Tim: I'm picturing Sea Devils. The music seems to indicate Sea devils.

Angelie: Too much reverb. I can't understand what they're saying. I've had two cups of coffee. My goal is not to fall asleep.

Insert the first of many The Little Mermaid jokes as we listen to a Sea Devil soliluquay. Then we get to hear Benny trying to evade Carvers' questions and getting yelled at for not staying in her quarters.

Me: Yeah, Benny is really good at staying put and listening to orders.

Benny calls and bitches out Brax couched around a tender moment of asking him how Jason is doing. Then we go back to talking Sea Devils. The sound design is great, but of course you have to strain to really understand what they are saying due in part to the reverb. This ultimately is one that's probably best served listening by yourself with a pair of really good head phones. I find myself alternating between Little Mermaid songs and PJ Harvey.

Benny gets dropped off and we listen to Carver and her assistant wonder if Benny's going to be trouble. Carver notes that Benny will just be an innocent victim.

Me: Um yeah...Benny is not innocent and "trouble" really should be her middle name.

Benny starts talking with a Sea Devil.

Tim: Ok. I really can't hear anything at this point. There's too much going on in the background.

Angelie: I heard a corridor.

Tim: I don't know what this chamber is or where it's supposed to be, but whenever they're in it I can't hear a damn thing. (Sea Devil dialogue)

Carver kills a sea devil and then we go back to more hard to hear sea devil dialogue. Other stuff happens and Benny hooks up with her friend to investigate the killing of the sea devil. She explains to the lead sea devil that she's been sent to really determine who within the group is helping a terrorist group that Carver is leading. In another batch of hard to follow sea devil dialogue there's something in the water, and it's not just the sharks.

They go back to see the Principal and Benny utters a 'goddess'.

Me: Drink.

Benny gets found out by Carver and we end up back with Principal talking to Nedda. Nedda at one point says "how can this be?"

Me and Tim: (ala' Dune) For he is the Qwissatz Hadderach!

Principal reveals that he is the poison sea and he starts to strangle sea devils ala' Darth Vader. Carver reaveals the reason for all her barely post teen angst before she leaves Benny to die. She eventually gets rescued by Nedda who catches her up to speed on how Principal's gone all crazy. Meanwhile Principal is giving Carver some of his strangling treatment.

Benny gets all maudlin and starts talking about home and it's significance. She also mentions how some times she's tempted to take the time rings and just run away from it all. I point out that unless she's got mad skills she needs someone to work the other ring.

After a bad set of puns with Principal Benny runs into a not quite dead Carver. The bomb Carver set can be controlled by remote so Benny ups the time of destruction. Principal is getting all orgasmic about getting the planet back before he gets blown up by Carver's bomb.

Benny radios The Collection and something's going on as Brax replies in vague answers and keeps talking about her coming home soon.

I bring out my copy of Life During Wartime to show Tim and Angelie was Benny is coming home to and explain briefly what's going on. Then Death and the Daleks gets put into the player.

We get through the recap and Benny finds her dad is commanding the armies of the Fifth Axis. Benny says "cruk".

Me: Drink.

After evading the Fifth Axis and then evading Jason's enquiries as to the nature of their relationship Benny goes to see Brax. He talks about how his life has been distilled down to torture and interior decorating.

Me: Maybe that could be next year's edition of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. One way to get Ty to shut up.

Benny gets approval to visit Heaven and says goodbye to both Adrian and Peter. Peter cries as Benny talks about leaving.

Tim: (as Benny) It's not like I'm ever here anyway.

She talks about getting Isaac back.

Tim: (as Benny) We're bringing him back from the dark side.

Bev gets rescued and Benny and Jason make it to Heaven. The planet. Last seen in Love and War Benny starts going down memory lane. Angelie is able to guess Jason's dialogue when he tells Benny that he still loves her. Benny and Jason sneak out in the evening to go to the Heavenite arch.

Angelie: I'm sorry, but if I didn't know they were in a tent and I heard that zipper sound...

They get to the arch and Jason notes that it's huge.

Angelie: That's what she (Benny) said.

They stumble upon the Daleks and we get a history of the word "cruk" before Jason goes on a "cruk" tirade.

Me: That's like a chug right since someone other than Benny is saying it?

I tell Tim when this was released and then he tries to figure out which version of the Daleks he should be envisioning.

Bev starts the food riot and then we go back to Benny and Jason being revived by the Daleks.

Tim: That looked cool in my head. That was a really nice sound effect.

Me: You know, they could just grab some kid that plays World of Warcraft all day and probably get a better level of tactical knowledge.

Benny wonders if the Daleks have other military minds hidden behind the doors.

Tim: Cause the Rani already did that.

As usual Benny turns the interrogation around and antagonizes the Daleks. Jason mentions that no one would normally think to do that to the Daleks and they can never go to the zoo together.

Me: I *so* want that line on a t-shirt. Really. If someone put that on a t-shirt I'd be a happy girl.

Benny tells Jason to take his fat suit off.

Tim: (as Benny) I don't want to die without having another go with you.

Benny and Jason make another stab at rescuing Isaac. Jason kills a bunch of Daleks and then remarks at how strange it is for Isaac to have been placed in the storage room.

Me: Not as strange as you blasting Daleks while being naked? Speaking of which, I don't see Captain Jack killing Daleks naked.

Tim: No, thankfully he put his clothes back on before he took out those two What Not To Wear robots.

Me: See, another reason why he's just a poor man's Jason Kane.

Isaac offers to comfort Benny as she feels bad for getting a bunch of Axis officers killed.

Me: No, that didn't sound creepy at all. This just makes me all the more sad that Ian Collier is dead.

Disc one ends with Brax unveiling his TARDIS and Benny, Jason, and Isaac preparing to defend themselves to the death if need be against the Daleks.

Tim: I was able to follow that better than the one with the Sea Devils. I like them and I think it's cool they were in a story, but it was hard to understand some of them.

Isaac would rather fight in a battle than watch Peter.

Me: God, no one wants to spend anytime with the kid.

Angelie: Poor kid.

The Killoran Liberation Army arrives and Jason leads the revolutionary army through the door to the armory.

Tim: Is that a music cue lifted straight from Aliens?

Jason assumes that Adrian means him when Adrian says the best man won in the battle for Benny's heart.

Tim: (laughing) What a dumb ass.

The battle continues and eventually the Collection gang get all together inside Brax's TARDIS. Insert awkward moment number 378 as Isaac tries to get Benny and Jason to return home with him. Isaac is still really under control of the Daleks so things go all pear shaped as the Daleks try to capture Brax's TARDIS. They're able to turn things around and eventually get the Axis officers to kill off most of the Daleks. Jason and Benny go after the last one while Brax comes up with a plan to take care of the Dalek fleet.

In typical Benny/Jason fashion they decide the perfect time to rekindle their relationship is in the middle of looking for the last Dalek. Their makeout session is interrupted by the Dalek who Jason eventually gets around to killing.

Using Isaac to give out new orders Brax and Benny do what The Doctor couldn't do in Genesis of the Daleks and destroy the Fifth Axis.

Tim: I didn't fall asleep once.

Angelie: I didn't either. It was just hard to understand what they were saying in the first one we listened to.

Tim: It was good to hear the Daleks. And I liked hearing Brax finally acting like a Time Lord.

Me: This has always been one of my favorites and is in frequent rotation along with The Crystal of Cantus and Just War. On the whole the series is finally finding its footing and properly incorporating all the various characters. I understand from an economic side why they probably don't do more double disc Benny's, but it's fun to get an expansive story that features everyone on the Collection. It's an excellent core group of actors who should be allowed to interact with each other more often.

Check back next month when we'll do The Apocalypse Element and The Fires of Vulcan. Also keep an eye out as I might start doing the Companion Chronicles as a solo effort.

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Post Ike Edition

As I said in the previous post we all survived Hurricane Ike relatively intact. Many thanks to those of you that sent private and public well wishes. Houston is slowly getting back to normal but it will take a long time for Galveston to rebuild, if they even try to rebuild the whole island. One of the things our Who group in Houston likes to do every year is Dickens on the Strand. It's an annual Dickensian festival that happens the first weekend in December. You get to buy Ye Olde' Gorditas and give pennies to street urchins sporting their finest Nike sneakers. Family of elves smoke as local newscasters speak jive to Santa before the parade begins. Some male relative of Dickens shows up and gives a reading of The Christmas Carol. You can also tour some of the historical houses for an extra fee, every year I try to go to the one serving the English Breakfast and never make it.

This year we don't know right now if there will be a Dickens on the Strand. From what I'm hearing a lot of those old homes were damaged, which is not suprising considering how bad the storm was and how only residents are still allowed on the island. While giving to the Red Cross or donating blood is a great way to help, the Space City Timelords will try to help out the Galveston Historical Foundation, who puts on Dickens on the Strand. Where else am I gonna be able to get into a historical festival at a discounted costume rate when I tell them I'm a time traveler who's visiting and that's why I'm wearing jeans and a sweater. All kidding aside, Dickens on the Strand has provided us many years of enjoyment and we hope that at least that part of Galveston is able to continue.

I am seriously bummed about Ian Collier.

Food today is provided by Dickey's Barbecue Pit. Much slow cooked meat and sides are consummed. Nothing fancy in the beer department this time. Just some Shiner Bock that's been hanging out in the fridge.

The Bellotron Incident ushers in the beginning of season four for Benny and the return of Louise Falkner as Bev Tarrant. We're implored to gather round the campfire and listen to Old Man tell an old tale about war.

Me: All the Who's down in Whoville?

Old Man keeps droning on about his story, imploring children and talismans to be kept safe.

Tim: Is this a four minute monologue?

Angelie: It's only four minutes out of sixty minutes.

Tim: You only get thirty seconds in an audition.

The first track ends and we get the second track which seems to be a continuation of the monologue.

Tim: Oh my god! I'm not drunk enough for this.

Angelie: This track is only two minutes long.

Tim: On top of the first four! This is like every Chris Carter season premiere.

The Old Man gets killed and there's much rejoicing.

Tim: Alas poor Yurick, I knew him well, Horatio.

We get some dialogue and someone mentions Potatoheads.

Angelie: Mmm....potatoes....

Tim: And his bucket of parts?

We're still Bennyless almost ten minutes in as we learn the officers talking are in the middle of the Rutan/Sontaran war. They come across a dead nomad and his equally dead pack animal, wondering how they died.

Tim: By monologue.

The probe investigating the planet goes all pissy and sends a message saying a specialist needs to be involved.

Angelie: Like Benny?

She's reading the Captain's mind as he calls Braxiatel, apparently an old friend. The Captais says the planet they're in orbit around is called Bellotron.

Me: I think we have title! And exposition.

The planet is moving in a funky orbit and need someone to investigate the planet in the next thirty-six hours. Preferably someone that's knowledgable, tactful, and willing to follow orders.

Angelie and Me: That's not Benny.

Fifteen minutes in and we finally get Benny as she's come out of cryo sleep, fairly cranky. She's giving The Commander a hard time going through all the security protocols. Benny remarks that she's being escorted by two penis substitution ships.

Angelie: They call them dildoes.

As we go through more exposition Tim busts of the new Doctor Who monster book to show Angelie what the Rutans look like.

Me: This is pretty disappointing so far for a Mike Tucker script.

Tim: I'm glad he had that scene with Braxiatel because I really stopped paying attention prior to that. They completely recap what happened in the previous two scenes. We really didn't need it.

The first "Goddess" is uttered.

Angelie and Me: drink!

Me: And this bit of exposition is totally negating the exposition recap between Brax and The Captain.

Then we go through a bunch of stuff that maybe The Captain should have before Benny showed up: like naming her a mission specialist in the computer and ascertaining if The Commander thinks she's competent enough.

Me: Yeah, he's a good person to ask, seeing as he's only known her for like twenty minutes. Are they trying to go for sexual tension between Benny and The Commander...

Angelie: Because it's not working.

Me: Yeah.

Benny bitches out The Commander for not bringing back up with them as they go onto the planet.

Me: They really could've started the story from this point and dropped the first twenty or so minutes.

Tim: Yeah.

Benny says "cruk".

Me: Drink.

The Commander disengages the engine as he and Benny land on the planet.

Me: Just like we're disengaged from the story. Ooo....Benny said "Goddess. Drink!

They land and there's a weird howling sound in the background.

Me: Did they land on the Wookie planet?

Tim: Or the Star Trek comedy planet?

Benny talks about her wily feminine intution regarding not trying to be Brill food and Angelie and I just kind of look at each other.

Angelie: I'm about to go get some dental floss.

Me: Seriously, Mike Tucker has done some really good stories. This is not one of them. He's resorted to making Benny queen of the one-liners like some sort of bad Don Rickles. Not that there's really a good Don Rickles but...

Stuff happens and they move deeper into the tunnels. They get to one tunnel and Benny thinks she sees something.

Me: Like a better script?

Tim: That's not the cup of the carpenter.

We've got Rutan!

Tim: I think the Rutan here just talked more than in the entire of the original Who series.

Bev makes a dramatic entrance.

Tim: Should I remember that name?

Me: The Genocide Machine.

All three make it back to the ship and Bev gets locked up in The Commander's room.

Me: Oh yeah!

Benny makes to sneak back onto the planet and runs into Bev who's escaped.

Me: Bev is like the best part of this audio.

The Commander learns that Bev has left his room and is now in a holding cell on the ship. He complains to The Captain about having locked her in his room herself.

Tim: (as The Commander) I lashed her to the bed and took pictures. See, I posted them on the internet.

Eventually we learn the Bev with Benny is a Rutan agent and there actually is a Bev in the holding cell, the real one.

Me: This is actually bit like The Genocide Machine with the fake versions of characters.

The Sontarans leave their side of the border and go for the planet.

Me: Sontara-ha! Sontara-ha!

We think Benny's been killed but then she shows up on the ship professing not to know The Commander or anything that's just happened.

Me: What the fuck?

It turns into some Sex and the City thing as Bev and Benny bond over booze and memories of the Doctor.

Tim: For those of you confused, the real Benny just happened on the scene. It's a shame they only can refer to him as The Doc.

Me: At least they can do that much.

Angelie: We're listening to a Doctor Who one next, right?

Me: Yeah.

Angelie: Let's hope this one is better than what we just listened to.

The next one in question is Winter For The Adept featuring the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa in a script written by Andrew Cartmel.

Me: Great, another fucking monologue.

Angelie: The weekend of monologues.

Tim and I spend a few minutes reminding Angelie who Andrew Cartmel is, what he looks like, and that we all saw him at Gallifrey this year.

Angelie: I have to pee now.

Me: Might as well go. You're only missing another fucking monologue.

Angelie: But at least this monologue is actually giving some useful information.

Alison yells out to Peril to be careful about the rope. This is when Angelie walks back in and mocks hanging from the ceiling. We learn that Peril is apparently the female version of Scrooge getting left at school during the winter holidays and about to elope. We then shift to Nyssa complaining about the snow, wondering if there's anything worse than snow in the shoes.

Me: A toss up between the last Benny play or Dragon's Wrath.

Peter Jurasik shows up as a local cop on skis to help Nyssa on her way. We go back to Peril and Alison talking about Peril getting married.

Angelie: Where's the Doctor?

Tim: We're like eight minutes in and no Doctor. But we've got a companion and a person who will be a companion.

Me: And Peter Jurasik.

Angelie: As much as Tim and Nicole are trying to convince me of what we do have I'm still missing the Doctor.

Nyssa sees someone coming towards her and the sking Jurasik.

Me: Is it The Doctor?

The person shows up and sadly it's not the Doctor. Some French chick shows up and Tim and I start doing horrible cheese eating surrender monkey accents.

Angelie: I already went wee wee.

Tim: Half of episode one is over and still no Doctor.

The Crazy Scotch woman who opens windows in freezing weather freaks out when all the windows close.

Tim: Oh. Really.

Angelie: They should call Ghost Hunters to debunk it.

Nyssa and the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey maid bust open the cognac.

Tim: That's a good idea.

They smell something that reminds the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid of dead horses.

Angelie: (french accent) Oo...my bad...

The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid mentions a poltergeist.

Me: (ala' Heather O'Rourke) They're heeereeeee....

Tim corrects the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid on her definition of a poltergeist.

Angelie: Where's the Doctor?

Tim: At least it didn't start with the TARDIS having an accident like seventy-five percent of Davison's stories. Maybe he wasn't available.

News of India Fisher (Peril) planning to elope with Peter Jurasik (Lieutenant Sandoz) brings the crazy Scotch headmistress out of her weird psychosis.

Tim: It's like a William Hartnell story where the Doctor takes a nap for an episode. (as the Doctor) Oh Chesterton, I'm going to lie down on this rock and sleep while the Daleks chase you and Susan around.

More crazy things happen and they all run away from a wardrobe.

Me: Is Aslan trying to get out?

Tim: He could be stuck.

The TARDIS finally shows up.

Tim and Nyssa: Finally!

Alison remarks about touching the TARDIS.

Me: (ala' Katy Perry) I touched the TARDIS and I liked it/Hope my friends don't mind it.

Tim: (ala' Katy Perry) It looked so small but it was really large inside.

Nyssa begins to channel Tegan as she bitches out the Doctor about the TARDIS never going where they plan it to. The Doctor is willing to admit there might be a correlation between the TARDIS arriving and the poltergeist activity.

Tim: Just like there's a correlation between you showing up some place and everyone dying.

Nyssa continues to channel Tegan as she's all pissed about The Doctor wanting to stay and investigate the poltergeist activity.

Peril and Sandoz make out while trying to get the radio to work.

Tim: Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

The Doctor goes back to Nyssa and Alison. Alison wonders if The Doctor has figured everything out yet.

Me: Bitch, he's only been gone for like five minutes! He's not that good. Seriously, I don't remember Nyssa being this bitchy.

Tim: She wasn't. She was a refreshing change from the other companions.

The Doctor and Nyssa go to check out the chapel.

Me: (ala' The Church Lady) The chapel? How convenient! Mm....Satan?

We enter the ever pivotal ham eating sandwhich portion of the audio. Sounds start coming from the music room and they quickly discount it being the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid.

Me: Who can't it be now? Who can it be now?

Angelie: Oooo...oh. Who can it? Who can it?

Me: Oooooo...oh, who can it be now?

The piano attacks the Doctor and Nyssa. Then faucets start running in the kitchen. Nyssa worries something worse might happen.

Me: Like Dragon's Wrath?

Nyssa almost gets killed by Sandoz's ski poles and the Doctor fixates on tea as the piano continues to lumber towards them. He spikes the tea, causing Alison to fall asleep and the piano stops its slow murderous path. The Doctor wonders where he puts his bag.

Angelie: (as The Doctor) I'm trying to find my condoms.

The helicopter that's supposed to rescue them gets destroyed, leaving them stranded because no one wants to get into the TARDIS.

The Doctor confirms that the evil is emanating from the chapel. Nyssa continues to whinge and moan ala' Tegan.

Tim: She really is channeling Tegan.

The Doctor busts out the machine that caused the accident that caused Nyssa to end up in the school.

Me: Maybe it'll teleport your personality back.

Peril sings a nursery rhyme about wishing the rain would go away and come back on the washing day.

Me: And bring a better script with you.

Angelie: Because this one smells like poo.

Peril tells her family history.

Me: We have title!

The Doctor points out that Alison is controlling Peril's abilities.

Me: Alison/This world is killing you/Oooo...Alison....my aim is true.

Crazy Scotch woman overhears The Doctor talking about Peril's family's past and decides that Peril's a witch that must be killed. Through crazy circuitous logic Crazy Scotch woman links electric blankets to Satan. Sandoz kills Crazy Scotch woman and Peril gets off a great line about how Crazy Scotch woman won't be able to be killed if she's not dead now.

Things start to go to hell in a handbasket again as trophies fly at The Doctor and the piano starts playing again. The Doctor triggers a post hypnotic suggestion that puts both Alison and Peril to sleep. Sandoz demands to know what's going on.

Me: Dude, have you not been following what's been going on?

Angelie: This reminds me of an X-Files episode.

Tim: "Syzgy".

Episode three ends with a rather crappy cliffhanger of The Doctor suggesting they hold a seance. Sandoz and the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid refuse to take part in the seance. Harding Wellman, some English climber lost in an avalanche shows up.

Tim: Do you know why they call me Harding?

Me: Great, he's an effette British ghost.

The seance goes pear shaped rather quickly and everyone runs to the kitchen, including Wellman.

Me: I think I need a chart to follow how Wellman, Alison, and Peril are all connected.

The gestalt leaves Crazy Scotch woman and The Doctor talks to the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid. He calls out The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid who's really a scout for the spillagers. The Spilager Formerly Known as The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid ends up dead and the Doctor convinces Sandoz to help him dispose of her body because they decomp really fast.

Me: Oh, like work.

Sandoz reveals himself as a second spilager scout. Peril starts freaking out.

Me: And you were gonna have sex with that.

Peril gets shot and then the Spilager Formerly Known as Sandoz ends up getting killed in an avalanche. The Doctor ends up saving her life with some bullet eating/tissue repairing poultice. This means bitchy Nyssa has to take part in the seance. We don't see the seance but we assume jiggery pokery occurs as the Spillager Fleet gets killed. Then we get the TARDIS once again not working and Peril taking Harding home to see her parents.

Me: I didn't hate this as much as I've hated the novels that Cartmel wrote for The New Adventures range, but this was still a tad disappointing.

Tim: It would've been much better if Nyssa hadn't sounded like Tegan. It's like he wanted to write for Janet Fielding but couldn't so he just put her in the form of Nyssa.

We return to Benny and The Draconian Rage.

Tim: Draconians are all the rage now. And another villian we only saw once in the original series.

Benny wonders why the Draconians want her.

Tim: You are the lead of this series.

Benny thinks she shouldn't go and calls Brax callous for trying to talk her into it.

Tim: (as Brax) Me? Callous? Never?

Eventually Brax sweet talks her into going to Draconia. As Benny lands and gets a long winded greeting Tim shows Angelie what they look like.

Angelie: And they have rage?

Tim: They're more like the classic series version of the Klingons. They're all into honor and what not.

Angelie: But the disk says they have rage.

Tim: Yeah, I guess they'll have rage later.

Benny gets a level 5 sterilization.

Me: Put your hand in the box!

Benny objects to having her luggage searched.

Tim: (as Draconian) We've seen the Indiana Jones movies.

Tim and Angelie bust out the box for the Malm as Benny goes planetside as the Draconian Emperor gets flattered by some underpants gnome. Draconian Emperor asks Underpants Gnome if he's heard of Shakespeare.

Me: (as Draconian) It loses translation when you take it out of its native Klingon.

Exposition continues between Draconian Emperor and Underpants Gnome. We switch to exposition between Benny and her Draconian Guide about the history of the city and the place of Draconian woman within their society.

Me: Why does he sound like a German?

After some more exposition Benny gets handed off to the Underpants Gnome when she reaches the imperial palace. She begins to cheese off the Underpants Gnome with her usual glib and sarcastic responses.

Me: Again she's being almost too sarcastic for the situation. She knows how the Draconians normally view women and she's pissing the Underpants Gnome off for no discernible reason.

The Emperor interrupts Benny's Former Guide as he's taking a bath. Apparently he's fallen in love with Rubber Ducky which is just kind of wrong.

Benny gets freaked out when she sees a human skull and then gets kidnapped by the Underpants Gnome's guards. She tries to talk her way out of Underpants Gnome's desire to drill into her head. Underpants Gnome mentions he's an agent of the Dark Flame.

Me: We'll be getting to that in the main line in about four years at the rate we're going.

Apparently her guide is also a member of the Dark Flame as he helps shave Benny's head. They begin to drill into her noggin.

Me: That's gonna leave a mark.

She passes out and then reawakens to have them drilling into her noggin again.

Benny's Former Guide goes to see the Emperor.

Me: (as Draconian) I found the nougatty center, Sire.

We get a discussion on how cognac tastes like urine to the Emperor. The Emperor apparently doesn't trust anyone around him. He says he smells treachery on the Underpants Gnome.

Me: That's just Benny's blood.

Angelie: Yep.

Me: For someone that's just had a hole drilled through her head she's rather talkative.

Insert more exposition as Underpants Gnome is apparently not as evil as we thought. He explains the extent of the political intrigue going on the planet and tells Benny she's the only hope to keep the planet from being taken over by the Dark Flame cult.

Me: One thing, she's got a hole in head.

Underpants Gnome tells Benny how she can escape.

Me: She might not remember all those details. That whole hole in the head thing.

Angelie: So Benny's getting rescued by...

Me: See, I can't keep up with who's who. They sound too much alike and their names are way too similar. Hence why I'm calling them Underpants Gnome and Benny's Guide.

Angelie: I think it's the guide trying to save her. That's why she was telling him she was invited by the Emperor.

Me: No, she was telling that to the Underpants Gnome. See what I mean?

Benny ends up with the Emperor and they quarrel over pedantry, the skull, and what she's doing there.

Me: Do you not see the hole in her head?

We enter The Manchurian Candidate as Benny kills the Emperor.

Angelie: They didn't take something out, they put something in.

The Underpants Gnome and Benny's Former Guide pop out of nowhere all excited that Benny's killed the Emperor, confirming what they did to her. Drama goes up to about factor 9 as Benny freaks out about the Dark Flame being in her skull all this time and how it might have affected Peter.

Me: Oh, that's the least of things you should be worried about having messed up Peter.

Benny's Former Guide ends up killing the Underpants Gnome.

Angelie: This is so melodramatic.

The Emperor really isn't dead and they expound on their plan to out the Underpants Gnome.

Tim: War between Draconians and Humans is averted. Ya.

The Emperor ends up killing Benny's Former Guide.

Me: All of a sudden we're in Titus.

Tim: They're going out of their way to painfully make this like a Shakespeare play.

Benny opts not to kill the Emperor again and they both depart hating each other's guts.

Me: That was cruddy.

Angelie: The ending?

Me: The whole thing. I had problems keeping up with the Draconian advisors. The voice actors were too similar and the character names too similar.

Tim: I didn't have that problem. I really wasn't paying attention until they stated torturing Benny. And I was okay with all the Shakespeare stuff going on.

Angelie: (in refernce to Benny being tortured) I didn't like that.

Tim: I guess this has to be an audio because the ending doesn't play well in any other format. I was okay with it.

If you're keeping up with the Benny Drinking Game, "Goddess" was uttered eleven times and "Cruk" once by our count.

Next month will be an all Benny affair as we'll finish off the fourth season.

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Labor Day Edition

After gorging ourselves on diet coke and homemade pizza we drop Dance of the Dead in the cd player. It doesn't take long to hear "goddess" uttered and then us to take a sip of Newcastle. I remember that this seems to take place after the Plague Herds of Excelis but since we'd have to listen to the whole series we settle for just being slightly befuddled when Benny complains about Iris.

Matthew Brenher comes onto to the scene as Grand Marshall Sstac and Tim quickly picks up that Brenher was in Red Dawn.

Things start blowing up, Benny keeps uttering "goddess", and we start getting drunk. Benny and Sstac end up accidently inhaling some crystal memories from the Colgarians.

Me: I do that sometimes as well.

Tim and Angelie start doing Ice Warrior impersonations as Azzar and Karter try to fix things on the ship.

Tim: It was much worse in the 60's and 70's. They drew every "s" out then.

Benny talks about digging up Martian tombs but forgets to mention going back to Mars for a conference and reading of xeno-porn. Then they start calling each other different names and things start getting really weird. Apparently the stuff they snorted is manifesting themselves through visions generated by the memories of the Colgarians.

We think Benny said shit and then we do various impersonations of Ice Warriors saying shit. Apparently though Benny is the Fonz as she beats a lift into submission to take them to level 10. But her mojo isn't as good since as soon as they get inside the lift starts acting up again.

Sstac goes back to his Colgarian persona and tries to get Benny to hook up with him. Then Benny gets into the act as well. It seems the Colgarian couple had some issues and were rather dysfunctional. A bitch slap later knocks sense into Benny. Eventually they get out of the lift and have a little heart to heart as they're climbing up the shaft.

Azzar is calling on the hounds of hell to kick some ass for the ship being attacked. Benny and Sstac get on to the bridge and this is where things go all Edward Albee again. Azzar ends up slamming her fist in a console, killing herself.

A crap ass plot twist shows up as we learn Karter is really alive and a thief. He's cleared a way to the shuttles which of course gives Benny and Sstac a way off the ship as it's careening towards a satellite. Benny reminds Karter that he's got some precious jewels between his legs. The shots to the family jewels doesn't completely work though as Sstac ends up going over again to his Colgarian persona and gets shot by Karter. Insert tender moments as Colgarian Benny says goodbye to Colgarian Sstac.

Me: That's kind of a lackluster ending.

Tim just shrugs. I don't know how to feel about the ending. I like how she tried to emotionally connect with the Ice Warrior. Maybe it was just the beer but that was the easiest part to follow, their other relationship.

Next up is The Spectre of Lanyon Moor with Colin Baker as the Sixth Doctor and Maggie Stables as Evelyn Smythe. We meet up with Scryfan and Sancreda.

Tim: Sancreda sounds like Sylvester McCoy with a cold.

Sancreda apparently is left behind by Scryfan.

Tim: E.T.! Phone home!

There's a great debate whether going one way for breakfast or the other to check out some ancient tunnels.

Me: He's passing up breakfast?

The Brigadier shows up on the scene.

Me: Ya!!!

The Brig laments the lack of coffee:

Tim: There's no coffee coming if you're expecting the womenfolk to make it. I'm still holding out hope that he'll appear in the show with Tennant.

The Doctor and Evelyn meet up with the upstart archaeologist not named Benny and get an offer of breakfast.

Tim: I'm impressed she's more excited about breakfast than he is.

Professor Morgan is a grumpy old man who's not down with technology in the field of archaeology. The Doctor and Evelyn show up and meet up with The Brig.

Tim: Is the Brigadier fishing for tail?

Me: I think Evelyn is fishing for booty.

Tim: It's ashame this wasn't on tv. This might be the best of these "first meetings" between the Doctor and the Brigadier.

Evelyn begs for breakfast as the Doctor wants her to help with research.

Me: Damn, she's all about breakfast.

Ludgate asks if he can get the Doctor and the Brigadier anything before he leaves.

Tim:(as the Doctor) Breakfast? The Doctor isn't used to anyone being so good at research since Sarah Jane. I'm liking Colin Baker as the Doctor much better in the audios than on the TV. Maybe it's because I'm not distracted by his coat. And probably because he's got a companion he's not bickering with. Not that Peri was dumb, but with Evelyn he's got someone that's just as interested in history as he is.

Evelyn makes a new friend who ends up getting eaten by what sounds like a bunch of gremlins. She's recovering back at the institute and Ludgate offers to get her some tea. She asks for hot chocolate.

Me: (as Evelyn) And some biscuits?

The Doctor bitches out Professor Morgan and then Evelyn makes him apologize. He proceeds to suck up to Morgan asking for his expertise as an archaeologist.

Me: Because he doesn't have Benny handy.

Tim: He hasn't met Riversong yet.

Evelyn makes the world's worst cat burglar as she gets busted by Sir Flint after sneaking back into his home. Then we get the baddie giving exposition section of the audio as he explains why he's doing what he's doing. Evelyn's not the greatest prisoner as all the she can toss back is that Flint is nuts. Eventually Evelyn escapes and meets up with Ludgate. She goes through a series of things that Flint has done to her.

Me: She can't do the list of horrible things to have happened to her like Lisa can as Benny.

Meanwhile the Doctor and the Brigadier are trying to stop Morgan's housekeeper who's being controlled by the gremlins.

Evelyn and Ludgate go back to Flint's house and my lightbulb goes on just before Evelyn's does regarding Ludgate working for Flint.

Morgan's housekeeper, Moynihan, releases Sancreda. He talks about getting revenge after 18,000 years.

Me: That's some serious amount of hate and discontent built up.

The hate and discontent proves to be wasted as we learn that Sancreda actually killed Scryfan 18,000 years ago. The Brigadier proves once again how much of a man he is by taking Sancreda on mano e mano. Honestly, the Brigadier is the man's man.

From Classic Who's Man Man we move to Benny and her own Man's Man, Jason Kane who are joined by Brax and Adrian in the season three finale The Mirror Effect.

Me: Let the mind cruk begin!

We're dropped into the middle of the action as Jason and Benny emerge through a mirror. We also learn that Benny might have a taste for SM as she notes with a bit of glee the architecture. Brax and Adrian arrive at some other place, also taking Jason's name in vain. It doesn't take them long to find the first body.

Benny and Jason have a fight over whether or not Jason should touch things and whether or not he's her sidekick. Benny then fires up a console.

Me: So it's okay for Benny just to randomly touch shit but not Jason?

Tim: She's a professional random...button...toucher.

Brax and Adrian recover some logs that show that something nasty happened at the site. Meanwhile Dr. Carnivel attacks Jason and Benny only stopping when Carnivel draws blood. Then insert some classic Benny/Jason comedy as she backhand thanks him for saving her and then jabs at him while asserting her position of authority in pricking Jason to Carnivel. Add in a dash of exposition as Carnivel explains that Benny and Jason were actually leading an expedition that Carnivel was a part of but that Benny and Jason don't remember.

Mirror Benny shows up starts accussing Brax of engineering her getting knocked up by Adrian to use Peter in the Collection. Adrian arrives to shatter Mirror Benny. They try to race down into the planet to save Benny and Jason.

Meanwhile Benny is about to do something stupid and go through the mirror again, against Jason's advice. Carnivel ends up pushing Benny through the mirror and Adrian arrives, jumping through it. Jason admits to being scared and not trusting what's on the other side of the mirror.

Me: Jason's thinking smart.

Tim: Yep.

Jason gets the brush off from Brax regarding any past experience Brax has had with the mirror. He then hears Mirror Benny crying out for him and he rushes to her. He gets a bit of wish fullfillment as Mirror Benny tells him that she loves him, that Peter is a part of him. They kiss a few times until she morphs into Adrian. Insert fight scene ala' Amok Time until Jason destroys Mirror Adrian via his anger. Carnivel arrives all impressed with his use of the force. Then Jason gets all nine kinds of dead sexy vocally as he asks Carnivel if Benny has really told her just how much they love each other.

Tim: (as Jason) Did she tell you about how we got married and had all these Doctor Who characters as our guests?

Jason slowly slips into madness as he reasons that the only way to fix things is to blow the mirror up. He'd rather kill Benny then let her live and possibly hook up with Adrian.

Me: Here's Johnny!

Benny is on the run and ends up facing four mirrors, Mirror Jason, and another Mirror Adrian. Mirror Jason tells Benny how much he needs her and Mirror Adrian says she should be with him since he's the father of her baby. Both ask for a kiss.

Me: Seriously, Jason is downright sexy at this point. (looks at Tim) It's a girl thing, okay! You guys get your companions and Benny. Until Jason all I had was Adric, Harry Sullivan, and Turlough.

Tim: (As Heamavores) Everyone wants to come into the mirror.

Benny eventually finds her mirror self and learns what's going on. Brax is busy espousing to Carnivel why he cares about Benny and not Jason or Adrian. Carnivel calls him "Cardinal Braxiatel". After destroying Carnivel Brax decides to save Jason.

Adrian wakes up to a mirror version of himself showing up.

Tim: It's pop up video.

Jason figures it all out regarding Brax's dark nature. Jason reminds him he was off in the alternate dimension after Dellah was destroyed so he wasn't there when Brax set up the Collection. Realising he's been rumbled Brax hypnotises Jason into forgetting the last few minutes and to suffer migraines if he gives any serious thought to Brax's ulterior motives. It works but Jason is still intent on destroying to mirror to let Benny and Adrian stay together.

Me: He probably should've added a bit about forgetting about Benny and Adrian.

Benny is trying to convince Mirror Benny not to impregnate her by noting it's not cricket.

Tim: Rape: It's just not cricket.

Brax is still trying to talk Jason out of blowing up the mirror.

Tim: (as Brax) I'm not a nice man.

Jason utters a "goddess" as Benny gets knocked up by Mirror Benny.

Me: Is that a double drink for the Benny drinking game?

Tim: I don't know. I guess.

Brax says they have to do something to save Benny and Jason takes this to mean he should arm the explosives. Tim finishes up the announcement by the explosives that they have five minutes to get away.

Me: That might be the nicest explosives announcement I've ever heard.

Jason gets his first migraine as Brax and Adrian rescue Benny from the mirror. Brax challenges Dr. Phil as he talks sense into Benny regarding where she belongs. They barely make it back to the Collection via another mirror where Jason promptly collapses due to his Brax induced migraine.

Tim: That was one big mind fuck of an audio play.

Me: As as friend once said in regards to Memento "This is fucked up as a soup sandwich on a rainy day."

Tim: Strangely enough I was able to follow that one easier than the others. If David Lynch directed a Benny play this is what you'd get.

Me: Amazing performances all the way around, with Harry Myers and Stephen Fewell really getting a chance to do something a bit different as their mirror selves. We get the beginning of the Dark Brax storyline which gets mined for years to come. This is probably the first audio since Just War that shows just how complex and far reaching Benny audios can be.

Look, here's some stuff we're pimping. It's gotta go somewhere so why not at the end this time for something different? Did you watch the olympics? Are you wondering how London can top China for the opening ceremonies in 2012? Someone has come up with an option. David Tennant lighting the cauldron dressed as the Doctor. Check out the petition here.

A trailer is up for episode three of the ninth season of Benny, The Adventure of the Diogenes Damsel.

Wil Wheaton is the man. Not only does he speak wisdom when he says you shouldn't be a dick, but he's done reviews of the first half of the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes over at TV Squad. He also got an awesome black velvet painting of Wesley Crusher which you can see at his website. No seriously, I can't make this shit up.

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All Things Stephen

Happy belated birthday to us!

No one ever accused us of being punctual, so we're finally celebrating our one year anniversary a month after the fact. We started the afternoon off with some nice ribeye steaks from the local grocery store and Curve Ball beer from Pyramid, the makers of apricot hefeweizen so fine that it was declared "apricotty!" by Rob Shearman. Curve Ball is a seasonal kolsch style ale with herbal tones in the brew. One of the few beers that Tim and I can both agree on being a rather tasty brew.

That massive squeeing sound you might've heard nearly a month ago was probably from me as the latest round of guests for Chicago TARDIS was announced. Time Team favorites Lisa Bowerman and Simon Guerrier were announced along with long time authors Kate Orman and Jon Blum are now confirmed for Chicago. They join Paul Cornell, Lis Sladen, Colin Baker, Nick Briggs, Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell Thanksgiving weekend. Not that any of my loyal 30 were waiting on pins and needles, but I'm attending Chicago putting the band back together with Dan and John.

And don't forget to get your tickets for Gallifrey 20 in February. Tickets are currently $45 and I think go up at the end of the month. Along with the whole Time Team about half the active membership of the local Houston Who group we're a part of will also be there.

You can read about Simon Guerrier creating a new audio friend for Doctor Who here and check out some podcasts wtih Paul Cornell here and here.

With the pimping and digesting of steak out of the way we put our first audio in, The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy, the season three premiere for the Benny series.

Tim: We've made if that far already?

Me: Yep.

Benny lodges a diary entry talking about her archaelogy/shoe expedition and spending Adrian's money on things for the baby.

Angelie: (eyes raised wide) Baby?

I pause the audio and give a rundown of how Benny's body got knocked up by Adrian while it was inhabited by a god.

We get introduced to Joggon who's apparently the reincarnated form of Daffy Duck as he's spraying spittle all over the place.

Tim: Say it, don't spray it. At least we're not complaining about sound design.

Benny encounters a Lara Croft style display for selling her books and then realizes she probably needs a book on the local latrines so she can appear to be an expert on the local latrines. In between dealing with Adrian's spiteful credit card she has to fend off the advances of her local host and all leather cow shoes coming back to life.

Me: The ever riveting Benny shoe fetish sequence. Seriously, before this I never knew Benny was a descendent of Imelda Marcos.

Customers start getting killed by the Borvali as if the Borvali are trying to get the last Cabbagge Patch kid.

Angelie: That's what Benny gets for not going to Payless for her shoes.

Then we switch to Joggon having some spittle laden orgasm over things going pear shaped.

Borvali keep on killing people and time begins to go all wibbley wobbley as Benny and Keelor end up back in time, meeting Keelor's grandfather. They survive a Borvali attack and end up in the Borvali grocery store that serves humans in various flavors. Benny starts smacking Keelor as he explains the extent to which capitalism is employed. The extent of Keelor's greed is exposed as we learn he's working with Joggon to do an old school hostile takeover of the Gigamarket.

Benny's mothering instincts kick in as she saves a Borvali child. She then slaps Tarband around as she talks him out of killing the child. Apparently Tarband gets off on being slapped around by women as he mentions he might get to like her.

Me: Isn't this like a first season episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation?

Tim: Yeah, it's a bit like a mix between "Yesterday's Enterprise" and "We'll Always Have Paris".

They all keep blowing up as time keeps repeating itself.

Tim: They also put in Groundhog Day.

Benny goes all medieval on the computer complaining about how all she wanted was some shoes to make her feel like a woman. Joggon eventually gets way too happy over the stock market and presumably dies from sensory overload.

Tim: Definitely not a pleasant sound.

Me: Well, we didn't complain once about sound design.

Anglie: No. It was very quick paced.

Tim: We could actually hear what was going on even though it was a bit confusing involving confusing time travel. It didn't drag anywhere.

Angelie: Nope.

After a discussion of whether or not we should go on an ice cream run we move on to Red Dawn, the beginning of the All Things Stephen portion of our belated first anniversary celebration with the return of Stephen Fewell, this time as the villian in this 5th Doctor and Peri adventure. Also showing up is Georgia Moffatt, known to Classic Who fans as the Doctor's Daughter and to New Who fans as The Doctor's Daughter. Also known to New Who fans as the Doctor's Girlfriend, not to be confused with Doctor Girlfriend.

Tim: Seriously? Isn't that kind of incestous?

Me: It is kind of Tom Bakerish.

We quickly encounter the first of many instances of poor casting by Big Finish when it comes to American accents. Peri actually gets to show off her botanical knowledge and that she's learned something along the way.

Tim: At least they mention the American space program as opposed to creating a fake British one like they did during the Pertwee years.

Things happen and eventually the Doctor meets up with the NASA gang.

Tim: Did I miss them getting together?

Me: It happened like two mintues ago.

Tim: And there was no conversation going "Wow! We didn't expect to find any humans on Mars."?

Me: Nope.

We get a stereotypical cliffhanger as it finally dawns on the Doctor they they're gonna run into Ice Warriors on Mars.

Tim: That went by fast.

Me: How often do you hear about Peri being right?

The body count begins as the Ice Warriors shoot the pilot.

Tim: Nice. They used the original sound effect.

The Ice Warriors realize that maybe shooting the pilot was a bad idea and ask that she be brought to some place to heal her.

Me: (as Ice Warrior) And I've heard earth girls are easy.

It takes forever for the pilot to die. Meanwhile Paul screws things up as he takes an Ice Warrior hostage.

Me: The Doctor probably should've called about the ice warrior coming over before he left to go to the NASA craft to fetch Peri.

We get towards the end of the second episode and finally start to get a reason for Webster's actions. Apparently his father's corporation wants to create a breed of Earth Warriors.

Tim: With clamps for hands?

Me: Would that mean they'd drag out the "th" sound?

After smacking Peri around Webster gets the NASA vessel to launch. Which pisses the ice warriors off and they fire missles at the vessel. Earth Girls do it for themselves as they try to take control of the situation, Peri unties the ice warrior and Tanya tries to evade the missles. Missles aren't evaded but Webster is knocked out allowing a moment of peace in the craft which is good since they now have to reland without crashing.

Webster regains consciousness and picks up where he left off, pissing the ice warriors off. One bomb placed near a dead ice warrior's head later and Webster along with Tanya and the Doctor are making a run for the border. Insert some prattling by Webster about placing the metal by the Doctor's chin and threatening to blow his head off.

Me: That's a rather shitty cliffhanger.

Tim: Next time I'll use the real batteries.

Tim figures out what's going on with Tanya about 3 minutes before she does. Insert long winded ice warrior conversations that involve them reading from the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition and The Art of War. The head ice warrior offers himself for the Doctor. Then we get a history lesson on the Brookings Report.

With about ten minutes left we finally get title.

Tim: Look! There's Jennifer Grey.

The head ice warrior ends up dying via the title and that lets the ice warriors drop what sounds like a nuclear bomb on top of Webster.

Me: As good as The Whispers of Terror was by Justin Richards, this is pretty much crap ala' Dragon's Wrath. Honestly, did he blow his wad on The Whispers of Terror? Nicola Bryant really does nothing in this audio that couldn't been given to another character. Fewell, Jezek, and Moffatt do what they can to rise above the script, but when you're given crap there's only so much you can do. Especially Fewell who towards the end is saddled with your stereotypical psychotic villian who basically gets done in by his own lack of morals. Overall a bit of a step back when you compare this to the previous two audios, The Genocide Machines and The Marian Conspiracy.

Tim: I don't think it's that terrible. It started out pretty good and then it just dragged towards the end. I think I liked the first three episodes. They used the Ice Warriors fairly well. They're more interesting in this than in the two Pertwee episodes they appear in. Plus there was no shrill sentient one eyed pickle.

It's on to the second half of the Stephen Fewell double feature as we put on The Green Eyed Monsters, the return of Jason Kane to the audios, not having heard from him since Just War. For those that are interested an early version of the script is up for perusal on Dave Stone's website.

The second season theme returns until Dave Stone messes with the fourth wall and reveals that Benny is listening to a recording to the theme wondering what she was thinking. Benny's trying to record a new diary for Peter until the interruptions begin. Not only does Stephen Fewell return, but Harry Myers does as well as Adrian, who creates a reason to see Benny and give Peter a rather sad fluffy rabbit. Jason shows up and we hit testosterone factor 10 as Jason and Adrian try to become the alpha male in Benny's life. Benny gives them the chance when she gets an offer to investigate and authenticate various artefacts and totems on Goronos IV. She jumps at the chance, dumping Peter off with Jason and Adrian.

Much laughter ensues in the living room as we get the first scene of Jason and Adrian trying to take care of Peter. Then we get background on the Goronos System and an explanation why Benny needs to identify and authenticate certain artefacts and totems. Only Dave Stone would think to pull off a visual gag in the audio medium involving a diaper and make slingblade-esque twins lovable.

Jason tempts fate by mentioning how they've managed to take care of the baby. Murphy's Law steps in when gunmen storm into the room, shoot Jason and Adrian, and steal Peter. Meanwhile Benny is discovering that the artefacts and totems she's investigating are all fake. Lady Ashantra shows Benny that she's got Peter and uses him as leverage for Benny to validate the artefacts and totems.

Angelie: What a bitch!

Tim: She's a big bitch. The biggest bitch in the whole wide world.

Jason throws his weight around to get Peter returned in one piece. Then he throws it around some more to get the Corvette of battle cruisers. We get a tender moment as Jason and Adrian share why they're still pining away for Benny. The day is eventually saved and we some more of Dave Stone messing with things as Benny has to referee Jason and Adrian all through the end credits.

Me: As I've said before, the audio medium is perfect for Dave Stone. It allows him to do his thing without having a broad enough canvas to confuse the audience. And being from the New Adventures era of things along with the creator of Jason he's got an ear for their dynamic and how each character would react. It's definitely nice to see Fewell back who easily slips back into the role of Jason and picks up where he left off without really missing a beat. Same for Harry Myers who gets some nice work to do as Adrian.

We'll return next month with The Spectre of Lanyon Moor, Dance of the Dead, and The Mirror Effect.