Post Ike Edition

As I said in the previous post we all survived Hurricane Ike relatively intact. Many thanks to those of you that sent private and public well wishes. Houston is slowly getting back to normal but it will take a long time for Galveston to rebuild, if they even try to rebuild the whole island. One of the things our Who group in Houston likes to do every year is Dickens on the Strand. It's an annual Dickensian festival that happens the first weekend in December. You get to buy Ye Olde' Gorditas and give pennies to street urchins sporting their finest Nike sneakers. Family of elves smoke as local newscasters speak jive to Santa before the parade begins. Some male relative of Dickens shows up and gives a reading of The Christmas Carol. You can also tour some of the historical houses for an extra fee, every year I try to go to the one serving the English Breakfast and never make it.

This year we don't know right now if there will be a Dickens on the Strand. From what I'm hearing a lot of those old homes were damaged, which is not suprising considering how bad the storm was and how only residents are still allowed on the island. While giving to the Red Cross or donating blood is a great way to help, the Space City Timelords will try to help out the Galveston Historical Foundation, who puts on Dickens on the Strand. Where else am I gonna be able to get into a historical festival at a discounted costume rate when I tell them I'm a time traveler who's visiting and that's why I'm wearing jeans and a sweater. All kidding aside, Dickens on the Strand has provided us many years of enjoyment and we hope that at least that part of Galveston is able to continue.

I am seriously bummed about Ian Collier.

Food today is provided by Dickey's Barbecue Pit. Much slow cooked meat and sides are consummed. Nothing fancy in the beer department this time. Just some Shiner Bock that's been hanging out in the fridge.

The Bellotron Incident ushers in the beginning of season four for Benny and the return of Louise Falkner as Bev Tarrant. We're implored to gather round the campfire and listen to Old Man tell an old tale about war.

Me: All the Who's down in Whoville?

Old Man keeps droning on about his story, imploring children and talismans to be kept safe.

Tim: Is this a four minute monologue?

Angelie: It's only four minutes out of sixty minutes.

Tim: You only get thirty seconds in an audition.

The first track ends and we get the second track which seems to be a continuation of the monologue.

Tim: Oh my god! I'm not drunk enough for this.

Angelie: This track is only two minutes long.

Tim: On top of the first four! This is like every Chris Carter season premiere.

The Old Man gets killed and there's much rejoicing.

Tim: Alas poor Yurick, I knew him well, Horatio.

We get some dialogue and someone mentions Potatoheads.

Angelie: Mmm....potatoes....

Tim: And his bucket of parts?

We're still Bennyless almost ten minutes in as we learn the officers talking are in the middle of the Rutan/Sontaran war. They come across a dead nomad and his equally dead pack animal, wondering how they died.

Tim: By monologue.

The probe investigating the planet goes all pissy and sends a message saying a specialist needs to be involved.

Angelie: Like Benny?

She's reading the Captain's mind as he calls Braxiatel, apparently an old friend. The Captais says the planet they're in orbit around is called Bellotron.

Me: I think we have title! And exposition.

The planet is moving in a funky orbit and need someone to investigate the planet in the next thirty-six hours. Preferably someone that's knowledgable, tactful, and willing to follow orders.

Angelie and Me: That's not Benny.

Fifteen minutes in and we finally get Benny as she's come out of cryo sleep, fairly cranky. She's giving The Commander a hard time going through all the security protocols. Benny remarks that she's being escorted by two penis substitution ships.

Angelie: They call them dildoes.

As we go through more exposition Tim busts of the new Doctor Who monster book to show Angelie what the Rutans look like.

Me: This is pretty disappointing so far for a Mike Tucker script.

Tim: I'm glad he had that scene with Braxiatel because I really stopped paying attention prior to that. They completely recap what happened in the previous two scenes. We really didn't need it.

The first "Goddess" is uttered.

Angelie and Me: drink!

Me: And this bit of exposition is totally negating the exposition recap between Brax and The Captain.

Then we go through a bunch of stuff that maybe The Captain should have before Benny showed up: like naming her a mission specialist in the computer and ascertaining if The Commander thinks she's competent enough.

Me: Yeah, he's a good person to ask, seeing as he's only known her for like twenty minutes. Are they trying to go for sexual tension between Benny and The Commander...

Angelie: Because it's not working.

Me: Yeah.

Benny bitches out The Commander for not bringing back up with them as they go onto the planet.

Me: They really could've started the story from this point and dropped the first twenty or so minutes.

Tim: Yeah.

Benny says "cruk".

Me: Drink.

The Commander disengages the engine as he and Benny land on the planet.

Me: Just like we're disengaged from the story. Ooo....Benny said "Goddess. Drink!

They land and there's a weird howling sound in the background.

Me: Did they land on the Wookie planet?

Tim: Or the Star Trek comedy planet?

Benny talks about her wily feminine intution regarding not trying to be Brill food and Angelie and I just kind of look at each other.

Angelie: I'm about to go get some dental floss.

Me: Seriously, Mike Tucker has done some really good stories. This is not one of them. He's resorted to making Benny queen of the one-liners like some sort of bad Don Rickles. Not that there's really a good Don Rickles but...

Stuff happens and they move deeper into the tunnels. They get to one tunnel and Benny thinks she sees something.

Me: Like a better script?

Tim: That's not the cup of the carpenter.

We've got Rutan!

Tim: I think the Rutan here just talked more than in the entire of the original Who series.

Bev makes a dramatic entrance.

Tim: Should I remember that name?

Me: The Genocide Machine.

All three make it back to the ship and Bev gets locked up in The Commander's room.

Me: Oh yeah!

Benny makes to sneak back onto the planet and runs into Bev who's escaped.

Me: Bev is like the best part of this audio.

The Commander learns that Bev has left his room and is now in a holding cell on the ship. He complains to The Captain about having locked her in his room herself.

Tim: (as The Commander) I lashed her to the bed and took pictures. See, I posted them on the internet.

Eventually we learn the Bev with Benny is a Rutan agent and there actually is a Bev in the holding cell, the real one.

Me: This is actually bit like The Genocide Machine with the fake versions of characters.

The Sontarans leave their side of the border and go for the planet.

Me: Sontara-ha! Sontara-ha!

We think Benny's been killed but then she shows up on the ship professing not to know The Commander or anything that's just happened.

Me: What the fuck?

It turns into some Sex and the City thing as Bev and Benny bond over booze and memories of the Doctor.

Tim: For those of you confused, the real Benny just happened on the scene. It's a shame they only can refer to him as The Doc.

Me: At least they can do that much.

Angelie: We're listening to a Doctor Who one next, right?

Me: Yeah.

Angelie: Let's hope this one is better than what we just listened to.

The next one in question is Winter For The Adept featuring the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa in a script written by Andrew Cartmel.

Me: Great, another fucking monologue.

Angelie: The weekend of monologues.

Tim and I spend a few minutes reminding Angelie who Andrew Cartmel is, what he looks like, and that we all saw him at Gallifrey this year.

Angelie: I have to pee now.

Me: Might as well go. You're only missing another fucking monologue.

Angelie: But at least this monologue is actually giving some useful information.

Alison yells out to Peril to be careful about the rope. This is when Angelie walks back in and mocks hanging from the ceiling. We learn that Peril is apparently the female version of Scrooge getting left at school during the winter holidays and about to elope. We then shift to Nyssa complaining about the snow, wondering if there's anything worse than snow in the shoes.

Me: A toss up between the last Benny play or Dragon's Wrath.

Peter Jurasik shows up as a local cop on skis to help Nyssa on her way. We go back to Peril and Alison talking about Peril getting married.

Angelie: Where's the Doctor?

Tim: We're like eight minutes in and no Doctor. But we've got a companion and a person who will be a companion.

Me: And Peter Jurasik.

Angelie: As much as Tim and Nicole are trying to convince me of what we do have I'm still missing the Doctor.

Nyssa sees someone coming towards her and the sking Jurasik.

Me: Is it The Doctor?

The person shows up and sadly it's not the Doctor. Some French chick shows up and Tim and I start doing horrible cheese eating surrender monkey accents.

Angelie: I already went wee wee.

Tim: Half of episode one is over and still no Doctor.

The Crazy Scotch woman who opens windows in freezing weather freaks out when all the windows close.

Tim: Oh. Really.

Angelie: They should call Ghost Hunters to debunk it.

Nyssa and the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey maid bust open the cognac.

Tim: That's a good idea.

They smell something that reminds the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid of dead horses.

Angelie: (french accent) Oo...my bad...

The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid mentions a poltergeist.

Me: (ala' Heather O'Rourke) They're heeereeeee....

Tim corrects the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid on her definition of a poltergeist.

Angelie: Where's the Doctor?

Tim: At least it didn't start with the TARDIS having an accident like seventy-five percent of Davison's stories. Maybe he wasn't available.

News of India Fisher (Peril) planning to elope with Peter Jurasik (Lieutenant Sandoz) brings the crazy Scotch headmistress out of her weird psychosis.

Tim: It's like a William Hartnell story where the Doctor takes a nap for an episode. (as the Doctor) Oh Chesterton, I'm going to lie down on this rock and sleep while the Daleks chase you and Susan around.

More crazy things happen and they all run away from a wardrobe.

Me: Is Aslan trying to get out?

Tim: He could be stuck.

The TARDIS finally shows up.

Tim and Nyssa: Finally!

Alison remarks about touching the TARDIS.

Me: (ala' Katy Perry) I touched the TARDIS and I liked it/Hope my friends don't mind it.

Tim: (ala' Katy Perry) It looked so small but it was really large inside.

Nyssa begins to channel Tegan as she bitches out the Doctor about the TARDIS never going where they plan it to. The Doctor is willing to admit there might be a correlation between the TARDIS arriving and the poltergeist activity.

Tim: Just like there's a correlation between you showing up some place and everyone dying.

Nyssa continues to channel Tegan as she's all pissed about The Doctor wanting to stay and investigate the poltergeist activity.

Peril and Sandoz make out while trying to get the radio to work.

Tim: Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

The Doctor goes back to Nyssa and Alison. Alison wonders if The Doctor has figured everything out yet.

Me: Bitch, he's only been gone for like five minutes! He's not that good. Seriously, I don't remember Nyssa being this bitchy.

Tim: She wasn't. She was a refreshing change from the other companions.

The Doctor and Nyssa go to check out the chapel.

Me: (ala' The Church Lady) The chapel? How convenient! Mm....Satan?

We enter the ever pivotal ham eating sandwhich portion of the audio. Sounds start coming from the music room and they quickly discount it being the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid.

Me: Who can't it be now? Who can it be now?

Angelie: Oooo...oh. Who can it? Who can it?

Me: Oooooo...oh, who can it be now?

The piano attacks the Doctor and Nyssa. Then faucets start running in the kitchen. Nyssa worries something worse might happen.

Me: Like Dragon's Wrath?

Nyssa almost gets killed by Sandoz's ski poles and the Doctor fixates on tea as the piano continues to lumber towards them. He spikes the tea, causing Alison to fall asleep and the piano stops its slow murderous path. The Doctor wonders where he puts his bag.

Angelie: (as The Doctor) I'm trying to find my condoms.

The helicopter that's supposed to rescue them gets destroyed, leaving them stranded because no one wants to get into the TARDIS.

The Doctor confirms that the evil is emanating from the chapel. Nyssa continues to whinge and moan ala' Tegan.

Tim: She really is channeling Tegan.

The Doctor busts out the machine that caused the accident that caused Nyssa to end up in the school.

Me: Maybe it'll teleport your personality back.

Peril sings a nursery rhyme about wishing the rain would go away and come back on the washing day.

Me: And bring a better script with you.

Angelie: Because this one smells like poo.

Peril tells her family history.

Me: We have title!

The Doctor points out that Alison is controlling Peril's abilities.

Me: Alison/This world is killing you/Oooo...Alison....my aim is true.

Crazy Scotch woman overhears The Doctor talking about Peril's family's past and decides that Peril's a witch that must be killed. Through crazy circuitous logic Crazy Scotch woman links electric blankets to Satan. Sandoz kills Crazy Scotch woman and Peril gets off a great line about how Crazy Scotch woman won't be able to be killed if she's not dead now.

Things start to go to hell in a handbasket again as trophies fly at The Doctor and the piano starts playing again. The Doctor triggers a post hypnotic suggestion that puts both Alison and Peril to sleep. Sandoz demands to know what's going on.

Me: Dude, have you not been following what's been going on?

Angelie: This reminds me of an X-Files episode.

Tim: "Syzgy".

Episode three ends with a rather crappy cliffhanger of The Doctor suggesting they hold a seance. Sandoz and the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid refuse to take part in the seance. Harding Wellman, some English climber lost in an avalanche shows up.

Tim: Do you know why they call me Harding?

Me: Great, he's an effette British ghost.

The seance goes pear shaped rather quickly and everyone runs to the kitchen, including Wellman.

Me: I think I need a chart to follow how Wellman, Alison, and Peril are all connected.

The gestalt leaves Crazy Scotch woman and The Doctor talks to the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid. He calls out The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid who's really a scout for the spillagers. The Spilager Formerly Known as The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Maid ends up dead and the Doctor convinces Sandoz to help him dispose of her body because they decomp really fast.

Me: Oh, like work.

Sandoz reveals himself as a second spilager scout. Peril starts freaking out.

Me: And you were gonna have sex with that.

Peril gets shot and then the Spilager Formerly Known as Sandoz ends up getting killed in an avalanche. The Doctor ends up saving her life with some bullet eating/tissue repairing poultice. This means bitchy Nyssa has to take part in the seance. We don't see the seance but we assume jiggery pokery occurs as the Spillager Fleet gets killed. Then we get the TARDIS once again not working and Peril taking Harding home to see her parents.

Me: I didn't hate this as much as I've hated the novels that Cartmel wrote for The New Adventures range, but this was still a tad disappointing.

Tim: It would've been much better if Nyssa hadn't sounded like Tegan. It's like he wanted to write for Janet Fielding but couldn't so he just put her in the form of Nyssa.

We return to Benny and The Draconian Rage.

Tim: Draconians are all the rage now. And another villian we only saw once in the original series.

Benny wonders why the Draconians want her.

Tim: You are the lead of this series.

Benny thinks she shouldn't go and calls Brax callous for trying to talk her into it.

Tim: (as Brax) Me? Callous? Never?

Eventually Brax sweet talks her into going to Draconia. As Benny lands and gets a long winded greeting Tim shows Angelie what they look like.

Angelie: And they have rage?

Tim: They're more like the classic series version of the Klingons. They're all into honor and what not.

Angelie: But the disk says they have rage.

Tim: Yeah, I guess they'll have rage later.

Benny gets a level 5 sterilization.

Me: Put your hand in the box!

Benny objects to having her luggage searched.

Tim: (as Draconian) We've seen the Indiana Jones movies.

Tim and Angelie bust out the box for the Malm as Benny goes planetside as the Draconian Emperor gets flattered by some underpants gnome. Draconian Emperor asks Underpants Gnome if he's heard of Shakespeare.

Me: (as Draconian) It loses translation when you take it out of its native Klingon.

Exposition continues between Draconian Emperor and Underpants Gnome. We switch to exposition between Benny and her Draconian Guide about the history of the city and the place of Draconian woman within their society.

Me: Why does he sound like a German?

After some more exposition Benny gets handed off to the Underpants Gnome when she reaches the imperial palace. She begins to cheese off the Underpants Gnome with her usual glib and sarcastic responses.

Me: Again she's being almost too sarcastic for the situation. She knows how the Draconians normally view women and she's pissing the Underpants Gnome off for no discernible reason.

The Emperor interrupts Benny's Former Guide as he's taking a bath. Apparently he's fallen in love with Rubber Ducky which is just kind of wrong.

Benny gets freaked out when she sees a human skull and then gets kidnapped by the Underpants Gnome's guards. She tries to talk her way out of Underpants Gnome's desire to drill into her head. Underpants Gnome mentions he's an agent of the Dark Flame.

Me: We'll be getting to that in the main line in about four years at the rate we're going.

Apparently her guide is also a member of the Dark Flame as he helps shave Benny's head. They begin to drill into her noggin.

Me: That's gonna leave a mark.

She passes out and then reawakens to have them drilling into her noggin again.

Benny's Former Guide goes to see the Emperor.

Me: (as Draconian) I found the nougatty center, Sire.

We get a discussion on how cognac tastes like urine to the Emperor. The Emperor apparently doesn't trust anyone around him. He says he smells treachery on the Underpants Gnome.

Me: That's just Benny's blood.

Angelie: Yep.

Me: For someone that's just had a hole drilled through her head she's rather talkative.

Insert more exposition as Underpants Gnome is apparently not as evil as we thought. He explains the extent of the political intrigue going on the planet and tells Benny she's the only hope to keep the planet from being taken over by the Dark Flame cult.

Me: One thing, she's got a hole in head.

Underpants Gnome tells Benny how she can escape.

Me: She might not remember all those details. That whole hole in the head thing.

Angelie: So Benny's getting rescued by...

Me: See, I can't keep up with who's who. They sound too much alike and their names are way too similar. Hence why I'm calling them Underpants Gnome and Benny's Guide.

Angelie: I think it's the guide trying to save her. That's why she was telling him she was invited by the Emperor.

Me: No, she was telling that to the Underpants Gnome. See what I mean?

Benny ends up with the Emperor and they quarrel over pedantry, the skull, and what she's doing there.

Me: Do you not see the hole in her head?

We enter The Manchurian Candidate as Benny kills the Emperor.

Angelie: They didn't take something out, they put something in.

The Underpants Gnome and Benny's Former Guide pop out of nowhere all excited that Benny's killed the Emperor, confirming what they did to her. Drama goes up to about factor 9 as Benny freaks out about the Dark Flame being in her skull all this time and how it might have affected Peter.

Me: Oh, that's the least of things you should be worried about having messed up Peter.

Benny's Former Guide ends up killing the Underpants Gnome.

Angelie: This is so melodramatic.

The Emperor really isn't dead and they expound on their plan to out the Underpants Gnome.

Tim: War between Draconians and Humans is averted. Ya.

The Emperor ends up killing Benny's Former Guide.

Me: All of a sudden we're in Titus.

Tim: They're going out of their way to painfully make this like a Shakespeare play.

Benny opts not to kill the Emperor again and they both depart hating each other's guts.

Me: That was cruddy.

Angelie: The ending?

Me: The whole thing. I had problems keeping up with the Draconian advisors. The voice actors were too similar and the character names too similar.

Tim: I didn't have that problem. I really wasn't paying attention until they stated torturing Benny. And I was okay with all the Shakespeare stuff going on.

Angelie: (in refernce to Benny being tortured) I didn't like that.

Tim: I guess this has to be an audio because the ending doesn't play well in any other format. I was okay with it.

If you're keeping up with the Benny Drinking Game, "Goddess" was uttered eleven times and "Cruk" once by our count.

Next month will be an all Benny affair as we'll finish off the fourth season.

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All Things Stephen

Happy belated birthday to us!

No one ever accused us of being punctual, so we're finally celebrating our one year anniversary a month after the fact. We started the afternoon off with some nice ribeye steaks from the local grocery store and Curve Ball beer from Pyramid, the makers of apricot hefeweizen so fine that it was declared "apricotty!" by Rob Shearman. Curve Ball is a seasonal kolsch style ale with herbal tones in the brew. One of the few beers that Tim and I can both agree on being a rather tasty brew.

That massive squeeing sound you might've heard nearly a month ago was probably from me as the latest round of guests for Chicago TARDIS was announced. Time Team favorites Lisa Bowerman and Simon Guerrier were announced along with long time authors Kate Orman and Jon Blum are now confirmed for Chicago. They join Paul Cornell, Lis Sladen, Colin Baker, Nick Briggs, Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell Thanksgiving weekend. Not that any of my loyal 30 were waiting on pins and needles, but I'm attending Chicago putting the band back together with Dan and John.

And don't forget to get your tickets for Gallifrey 20 in February. Tickets are currently $45 and I think go up at the end of the month. Along with the whole Time Team about half the active membership of the local Houston Who group we're a part of will also be there.

You can read about Simon Guerrier creating a new audio friend for Doctor Who here and check out some podcasts wtih Paul Cornell here and here.

With the pimping and digesting of steak out of the way we put our first audio in, The Greatest Shop in the Galaxy, the season three premiere for the Benny series.

Tim: We've made if that far already?

Me: Yep.

Benny lodges a diary entry talking about her archaelogy/shoe expedition and spending Adrian's money on things for the baby.

Angelie: (eyes raised wide) Baby?

I pause the audio and give a rundown of how Benny's body got knocked up by Adrian while it was inhabited by a god.

We get introduced to Joggon who's apparently the reincarnated form of Daffy Duck as he's spraying spittle all over the place.

Tim: Say it, don't spray it. At least we're not complaining about sound design.

Benny encounters a Lara Croft style display for selling her books and then realizes she probably needs a book on the local latrines so she can appear to be an expert on the local latrines. In between dealing with Adrian's spiteful credit card she has to fend off the advances of her local host and all leather cow shoes coming back to life.

Me: The ever riveting Benny shoe fetish sequence. Seriously, before this I never knew Benny was a descendent of Imelda Marcos.

Customers start getting killed by the Borvali as if the Borvali are trying to get the last Cabbagge Patch kid.

Angelie: That's what Benny gets for not going to Payless for her shoes.

Then we switch to Joggon having some spittle laden orgasm over things going pear shaped.

Borvali keep on killing people and time begins to go all wibbley wobbley as Benny and Keelor end up back in time, meeting Keelor's grandfather. They survive a Borvali attack and end up in the Borvali grocery store that serves humans in various flavors. Benny starts smacking Keelor as he explains the extent to which capitalism is employed. The extent of Keelor's greed is exposed as we learn he's working with Joggon to do an old school hostile takeover of the Gigamarket.

Benny's mothering instincts kick in as she saves a Borvali child. She then slaps Tarband around as she talks him out of killing the child. Apparently Tarband gets off on being slapped around by women as he mentions he might get to like her.

Me: Isn't this like a first season episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation?

Tim: Yeah, it's a bit like a mix between "Yesterday's Enterprise" and "We'll Always Have Paris".

They all keep blowing up as time keeps repeating itself.

Tim: They also put in Groundhog Day.

Benny goes all medieval on the computer complaining about how all she wanted was some shoes to make her feel like a woman. Joggon eventually gets way too happy over the stock market and presumably dies from sensory overload.

Tim: Definitely not a pleasant sound.

Me: Well, we didn't complain once about sound design.

Anglie: No. It was very quick paced.

Tim: We could actually hear what was going on even though it was a bit confusing involving confusing time travel. It didn't drag anywhere.

Angelie: Nope.

After a discussion of whether or not we should go on an ice cream run we move on to Red Dawn, the beginning of the All Things Stephen portion of our belated first anniversary celebration with the return of Stephen Fewell, this time as the villian in this 5th Doctor and Peri adventure. Also showing up is Georgia Moffatt, known to Classic Who fans as the Doctor's Daughter and to New Who fans as The Doctor's Daughter. Also known to New Who fans as the Doctor's Girlfriend, not to be confused with Doctor Girlfriend.

Tim: Seriously? Isn't that kind of incestous?

Me: It is kind of Tom Bakerish.

We quickly encounter the first of many instances of poor casting by Big Finish when it comes to American accents. Peri actually gets to show off her botanical knowledge and that she's learned something along the way.

Tim: At least they mention the American space program as opposed to creating a fake British one like they did during the Pertwee years.

Things happen and eventually the Doctor meets up with the NASA gang.

Tim: Did I miss them getting together?

Me: It happened like two mintues ago.

Tim: And there was no conversation going "Wow! We didn't expect to find any humans on Mars."?

Me: Nope.

We get a stereotypical cliffhanger as it finally dawns on the Doctor they they're gonna run into Ice Warriors on Mars.

Tim: That went by fast.

Me: How often do you hear about Peri being right?

The body count begins as the Ice Warriors shoot the pilot.

Tim: Nice. They used the original sound effect.

The Ice Warriors realize that maybe shooting the pilot was a bad idea and ask that she be brought to some place to heal her.

Me: (as Ice Warrior) And I've heard earth girls are easy.

It takes forever for the pilot to die. Meanwhile Paul screws things up as he takes an Ice Warrior hostage.

Me: The Doctor probably should've called about the ice warrior coming over before he left to go to the NASA craft to fetch Peri.

We get towards the end of the second episode and finally start to get a reason for Webster's actions. Apparently his father's corporation wants to create a breed of Earth Warriors.

Tim: With clamps for hands?

Me: Would that mean they'd drag out the "th" sound?

After smacking Peri around Webster gets the NASA vessel to launch. Which pisses the ice warriors off and they fire missles at the vessel. Earth Girls do it for themselves as they try to take control of the situation, Peri unties the ice warrior and Tanya tries to evade the missles. Missles aren't evaded but Webster is knocked out allowing a moment of peace in the craft which is good since they now have to reland without crashing.

Webster regains consciousness and picks up where he left off, pissing the ice warriors off. One bomb placed near a dead ice warrior's head later and Webster along with Tanya and the Doctor are making a run for the border. Insert some prattling by Webster about placing the metal by the Doctor's chin and threatening to blow his head off.

Me: That's a rather shitty cliffhanger.

Tim: Next time I'll use the real batteries.

Tim figures out what's going on with Tanya about 3 minutes before she does. Insert long winded ice warrior conversations that involve them reading from the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition and The Art of War. The head ice warrior offers himself for the Doctor. Then we get a history lesson on the Brookings Report.

With about ten minutes left we finally get title.

Tim: Look! There's Jennifer Grey.

The head ice warrior ends up dying via the title and that lets the ice warriors drop what sounds like a nuclear bomb on top of Webster.

Me: As good as The Whispers of Terror was by Justin Richards, this is pretty much crap ala' Dragon's Wrath. Honestly, did he blow his wad on The Whispers of Terror? Nicola Bryant really does nothing in this audio that couldn't been given to another character. Fewell, Jezek, and Moffatt do what they can to rise above the script, but when you're given crap there's only so much you can do. Especially Fewell who towards the end is saddled with your stereotypical psychotic villian who basically gets done in by his own lack of morals. Overall a bit of a step back when you compare this to the previous two audios, The Genocide Machines and The Marian Conspiracy.

Tim: I don't think it's that terrible. It started out pretty good and then it just dragged towards the end. I think I liked the first three episodes. They used the Ice Warriors fairly well. They're more interesting in this than in the two Pertwee episodes they appear in. Plus there was no shrill sentient one eyed pickle.

It's on to the second half of the Stephen Fewell double feature as we put on The Green Eyed Monsters, the return of Jason Kane to the audios, not having heard from him since Just War. For those that are interested an early version of the script is up for perusal on Dave Stone's website.

The second season theme returns until Dave Stone messes with the fourth wall and reveals that Benny is listening to a recording to the theme wondering what she was thinking. Benny's trying to record a new diary for Peter until the interruptions begin. Not only does Stephen Fewell return, but Harry Myers does as well as Adrian, who creates a reason to see Benny and give Peter a rather sad fluffy rabbit. Jason shows up and we hit testosterone factor 10 as Jason and Adrian try to become the alpha male in Benny's life. Benny gives them the chance when she gets an offer to investigate and authenticate various artefacts and totems on Goronos IV. She jumps at the chance, dumping Peter off with Jason and Adrian.

Much laughter ensues in the living room as we get the first scene of Jason and Adrian trying to take care of Peter. Then we get background on the Goronos System and an explanation why Benny needs to identify and authenticate certain artefacts and totems. Only Dave Stone would think to pull off a visual gag in the audio medium involving a diaper and make slingblade-esque twins lovable.

Jason tempts fate by mentioning how they've managed to take care of the baby. Murphy's Law steps in when gunmen storm into the room, shoot Jason and Adrian, and steal Peter. Meanwhile Benny is discovering that the artefacts and totems she's investigating are all fake. Lady Ashantra shows Benny that she's got Peter and uses him as leverage for Benny to validate the artefacts and totems.

Angelie: What a bitch!

Tim: She's a big bitch. The biggest bitch in the whole wide world.

Jason throws his weight around to get Peter returned in one piece. Then he throws it around some more to get the Corvette of battle cruisers. We get a tender moment as Jason and Adrian share why they're still pining away for Benny. The day is eventually saved and we some more of Dave Stone messing with things as Benny has to referee Jason and Adrian all through the end credits.

Me: As I've said before, the audio medium is perfect for Dave Stone. It allows him to do his thing without having a broad enough canvas to confuse the audience. And being from the New Adventures era of things along with the creator of Jason he's got an ear for their dynamic and how each character would react. It's definitely nice to see Fewell back who easily slips back into the role of Jason and picks up where he left off without really missing a beat. Same for Harry Myers who gets some nice work to do as Adrian.

We'll return next month with The Spectre of Lanyon Moor, Dance of the Dead, and The Mirror Effect.

We're Baaack!

Yes, after a two month hiatus we've gotten the band back together for another thrilling Time Team installment. Nothing exciting on the food front this time, just pizza. Beer supplied by Shiner, the Dunkleweizen version. It looks like we're just doing two today which sadly ruins my grand plans for what would'be been a Fewell double feature in January with Red Dawn and Just War. That makes me sad, but I'll survive.

We start off with the Land of the Dead with Peter Davison and Sarah Sutton in her first audio as Nyssa.

Tim and I note that Lucy Campbell sounds a bit too much like Janet Fielding.

Tim: Why did it take like fifteen minutes for the TARDIS to land? We've been hearing that sound off and on from the beginning.

I note that it's only been like six minutes, but it doesn't bode well if it feels like fifteen.

Tim: Have you noticed that a lot of Davison's adventures spend the first episode or so in the TARDIS? Maybe it's a style choice.

We can't figure out if a character is supposed to be Eskimo or Korean. In either case the voice is hardly believable as either. And what kind of name is Johnny Old Man anyway? They couldn't come up with something better?

Then we get more history lessons from the 5th Doctor regarding the discovery of Alaska and ravens. I decide the name of the tribe would be cooler if it was called donkey kong.

Our minds all hit the gutter when Nyssa exclaims that the beast they encounter is so massive.

Tim: I'm just seeing giant penis monsters. Thanks.

Angelie: You're welcome.

Me (as Gary Russell): Yeah, Sarah, even though the giant penis monster is chasing after you just play this bit bland.

Tim: Nyssa was the cool, calm, collected one. Davison had way too many companions and if I had to pick one I'd pick Nyssa. Imagine how their stories would've been without Tegan and Adric.

All the voices sound too similar to one another. If they weren't saying each other's name every other sentence we'd have no clue who was who. We hit the first instance of Big Finish's poor casting of American voices as we listen to Tulung talk about his dad and Brett's dad.

Tim: It's a shame John Barrowman wasn't living in the UK during this time.

Today's audio is brought to you by Al Gore and Greenpeace as we listen to the debate versus drilling for oil and leaving the tasty sea creatures alone. Mmm...them's good eatin'.

We hit the end of the first episode and afterwards Tim asks if anyone actually knows what's going on. We all agree that they're in Alaska, Americans are ruining the land, there's something massive running around, and they just uncovered a fossil.

And once again I decide that the direction for this scene must've been bland, just play this scene with no sense of urgency.

Tim: At least she's not screaming.

And we have title!

Angelie: What?

Tim: Land of the Dead. The mink are revolting.

See, I like to eat animals way too much to care about the faux eskimos and their love for the land. The Doctor becomes the tea bitch for Nyssa and Monica as we discuss whether sex attracts evil or not in these type of shows. Monica enquires if the Doctor and Nyssa have anything going on and the Doctor says they're just friends. I note that this is because it's Classic Who and not New Who.

Sweet! If I wanted I could buy this as a cassette still from the Big Finish site.

Near the end of the second episode I ask if this is where the velociraptor eats the fat one. Tim nods his head and then sure enough Gaborik becomes dinosaur chow. I love it when I'm right.

Nyssa explains that the Doctor told her that the dinosaurs went extinct nearly 65 million years ago. Tim says that that is when they had Tegan and I note that the dinosaurs died when Adric crashed into the planet.

The second episode ends and we take a quick break. Angelie goes for a diet coke to try and stay awake. Thank god for the Benny's because this one's another dullard.

Angelie: We put a different tone to it. We made it sexual so we have to let that die off. I am trying to pay attention.

Tim: This would've made an okay television episode.

Nyssa asks how velociraptors could've cut the phone line.

Tim and Me: Have you not watched Jurassic Park?

The sexual innuendos continue and it seems we've decided on sex for the tone. Really, the jokes just write themselves. "His name is Tulung? It's so tulung it's massive!" See?

Towards the end of the third episode Brett takes Nyssa hostage and threatens to break her neck. Which as we all noted would ruin the plan to use her to protect them from the velociraptors.

Tim: Is this over yet? Oh no it isn't! See, this is weird but I really would've liked this as a tv show. See them in Alaska and the dinosaurs.

Angelie: As an audio I just can't see it.

The fourth episode finishes and there's much rejoicing. Ya! Time to put in Walking to Babylon, the first part of the Time Ring Trilogy.

Angelie: I hope it's massive for Benny.

Tim: As in "Oh, Jason, it's so massive?"

Benny and Jason exchange sexual barbs and it's clear the tone will continue to be sexual in nature.

Angelie: I think he's trying to get her to use the rings.

It doesn't take long for Jason to get himself into trouble and it's up to Benny to save him. Again. She ends up in Babylon and comes upon Ninan, played by Lis Sladen. Or as a whole generation of male Who fans call her, Sweet Sweet Sarah Jane.

I guess it's not so vital to find Jason and the People if Benny has time to shag Lafayette. Or it was a quick shag. Either way, doesn't really reflect well on Benny. Lafayette begins to apologize for having unwed sex with Benny.

Angelie: Wait! I fell asleep. Did they do it?

Me: Yeah.

Lafayette busts out a gun to protect Benny and oops, there's go the future. We get a quick reunion between Jason and Benny before he's knocked out and Lafayette busts a cap in someone's ass. And why does the drone make noises like R2-D2?

Benny wonders why Lafayette had to be the hero when Sweet Sweet Sarah Jane tells her he's gonna die.

Me: It's because Jason was knocked out cold.

Tim: People that have sex with Benny always end up in danger.

Angelie: No sex with Benny. Oh my god! Precious moments. (insert choking noises as Lafayette and Benny share a schmaltzy moment as he's dying)

Me: This Hallmark moment is brought to you by...

Angelie: Die already!

Tim: He's been talking for a long time. Shouldn't he be dead by now?

The Drone shows up to save Lafayette and it starts channeling Twiggy from Buck Rogers in between channeling R2-D2 and Max Headroom. Benny gets excited about Lafayette living and I point out that her ex is still around. And sure enough we get a round on who's Jason/who's John Lafayette as each man gets pissed about finding out about the other.

Angelie: Shut up, Jason! You stole her rings.

One of the People is killed when they touch John and we learn that not only should you not have sex with Benny but you shouldn't touch Lafayette. And knowing is half the battle!

Jason starts to teach women's lib as he empathizes with Miriam's plight. Can I just say that Miriam so does not sound like she's 14. And apparently the story of he and Benny hooking up is enough to get Sweet Sweet Sarah Jane to leave the temple and help Benny save the world in the nick of time. And then the tunnel explodes with Benny and Jason in it.

Tim: Was that a cliffhanger?

Me: I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that this was part of a trilogy?

Tim: Bastards!

We keep the disc going and listen to the behind the scenes interview Nick Briggs did with Lisa Bowerman and Stepen Fewell.

As we look at our calendars check back here to see when we get together in December for The Fearmonger and Birthright.

Phantasmagoria and Oh No It Isn't!

We got together today for another ATT installment. Lunch was rustled up at a local Honey Baked Ham store, home of the world's best ham. (Their tag line, not ours.)

After gorging on all things hamlicious we settled down for Phantasmagoria, with Peter Davison and Mark Strickson. It still takes way too long to develop the plot and get to any thing resembling action.

Tim: They were trying to do in the style of a Classic Who story with four episodes. Not sure it works for the audio medium though.

Personally I think that once again this could've been condensed down to one disk with maybe two stories if you wanted to keep the cliffhanger aspect going. Either way, by the time we get to the end of the first disk, Tim and Angelie are playing with their new cell phones, photographing my cat in various poses and backgrounds.

The usage of Turlough seems wasted. Nothing actually happens that was engineered solely by him. But I guess you couldn't have him stuck in the TARDIS ala Sirens.

Tim: At least at in the audio medium, Strickson has some dialogue, and no time to do his famous "look around acting." I am kind of surprised that Turlough finally seems happy to be in the TARDIS. Maybe Strickson's just excited about having an acting gig again, and it's translating to his character.

No real vocal standouts this time around. The villian is voiced in such a way that you can almost see him twirl his moustache while tying some poor helpless blonde woman to some train tracks.

We make it to the end with our will to live intact this time out.

Tim: I did like how the villian had his plan used against him.

Not as bad as Sirens, but there's still a long way to go.

A change of venue along with some errands occur. We dine on burgers, which Tim has managed to dry out, due to being distracted by a YouTube video with 1,500+ Filipino prisoners dancing to Michael Jackson's Thiriller. Tim points out that the Philippines and Iceland become major world powers in the Who continuity sometime around the fiftieth century. And, "Oh no, I've killed dinner." We decide to start the other part of our ATT mission and pop in the first audio Big Finish did, Oh No It Isn't! Tim and I give Angelie a quick tutorial on Benny and how we get to Big Finish doing this audio.

More laughs and more willingness to pay attention ensue. Lisa Bowerman slips into Benny rather easily and makes a rather complicated story work. Doran pops onto the scene and I quick explain how that's not Jason and by this time in the Benny continuity she's divorced. Nick Courtney appears in the role he was born to play, a giant cat spouting dick and dwarf jokes.

Tim: This is a bit like Sartre, referencing ("Hell is little people.") the first bit where Benny is trying to figure out what kind of an afterlife she's in.

Angelie: I'm enjoying this a lot. They're getting to the plot a lot faster and it keeps you involved in the story along with the humor. Also I grew up with fairy tales so I like how they're making fun of them.

It kind of slows up a bit on the second disk as we hit some exposition but even at its slowest it still moves faster than Sirens of Time or Phantasmagoria. And nothing like a bit of angst as Wolsley worries about what happens to him when they return to normal. Also the 2 minute end theme where I imagine a visual montage ala' a Bond opening sequence with smoking guns coming out of inappropriate places.

Next month will Whispers of Terror and maybe Beyond the Sun.